December. The season of excess. Chocolate apparently loses the calorific concern we attribute to it the other 11 months of the year; heavy meals twice daily are de rigeur; wine is consumed as if water- yet there is nothing miraculous about the pounding in one’s head when alarms sound the following day; and waistlines become fairly snug.
So why do we do it? What makes us believe we are metabolic gods and goddesses through December? That the effects of this behaviour are make believe, and we are immune to the January paunch and ensuing detox? No, we do it because we want to share in the bonhomie which comes with the Festive month. We eat and drink not to be merry, but because we are merry. It’s a happy time of year.

So what are the most sinful pleasures to embrace in this holy month? Here are my top 10; which is by no means an exhaustive list, given the excesses of the season.
1. Christmas cake. And this definition is not limited to traditional fruit cake- Panettone, Stollen, Pan di Natale, Buche de Noel, Panforte- Europe offers many an alternative to the British classic of dried fruit, butter and brandy. Traditionally prepared at least 5 months before December, and now often available in a supermarket near you in early April. Get in.
2. Glühwein. The idea of taking wine, adding a kilogram of sugar and spice, some other things nice, and heating it to a pleasant 70 degrees makes absolute sense in these cold months. Inexpensive and very easy to make, it is impossible to not feel festive whilst drinking it.
3. Oysters. ‘Tis also the Oyster season, and traditionally these beauties are consumed on Christmas Eve in France. Practically offering negative kilojoules, make sure you balance with a good serving of cake.
4. The addition of alcohol to already perfectly good foods- The flaming of puddings, glazing of hams, dousing of cakes- more than 40% proof is required, therefore enhancing festivities and in all of these cases, taste.
5. Christmas specific condiments. When else is it appropriate to make a sauce out of bread? Eat alcoholic butter with pudding? Buy a jar of goose fat to add to anything and everything worth roasting?
6. Excessive consumption of cold meats. Eat too much Ham/Turkey/Goose on Christmas day? No you didn’t, because there are still 5 kilograms of meat which need to be consumed! In the next 2 days if possible. Ham and eggs for breakfast? Ham sandwich for lunch? Anyone for ham salad for supper? Get your mustard/ jar of cranberry sauce at the ready.
7. Work time eating habits gone awry. Breakfast. Coffee and mince pies at 10. Secret Santa and a tipple at 11. Lunch out with a bottle of wine at 12.30. Tiptoeing back to the office at 4 to log off and meet everyone at the pub for “a quick one”. Burger king and whatever consumable you received from your Secret Santa on the tube home at 11pm.
8. Bubbles for Breakfast. Christmas morning means a glass of champagne before 12, usually accompanied by some form of saturated fat in the form of breakfast. Or perhaps just to offer an early warning to the body of the onslaught to follow.
9. The inappropriateness of a full Christmas lunch in 30 degree heat. For anyone who has celebrated in a warmer climate, you will know the sheer absurdity of persevering through a menu designed for the depths of winter. It has to be endured to be believed.
10. The relief that December is just one month. Getting to the end of Christmas Day, feeling so far beyond sated that the thought of eating another thing, ever, is overwhelming; and mentally putting those skinny jeans in the bottom drawer until early Feb. And then realising that January is an awful month of detox misery, so right now the most logical thing to do is embrace the last of December, knowing that it is contained in what will soon be the previous year, and calling for another slice of Christmas pudding. With extra brandy butter, please.
By CMH